Quotes

Here are Sam & Max's best quotes found in various video games, comics and the animated series. Each quote is grouped up by where they orignate from:-

Comics

• Sam: Hey, where do you keep that gun?
  Max: None of your damn business, Sam.

Hit the Road

• [after confronting, subduing, and pummeling the mad scientist]
  
  Max: He's not a real guy, Sam! Can I keep his head for a souvenir? Why do you suppose its ticking?
  Sam: That's no head, Max! It's one damned ugly timebomb! Let's leave this criminal cesspool pronto!
  Max: Good idea, Sam. Maybe we can ditch the head somewhere while the credits are running. Mind if I drive?
  Sam: Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader.
  Max: Sam, is "pronto" a real word?
• [after the opening credits]
  
  Sam: Well, that was a pleasantly understated credits sequence.
  Max: I enjoyed the cheesy retro ambience.
  Sam: What the hell are you talking about, Max?
• [Sam hangs up the phone]
  
  Max: Another confused census taker?
  Sam: Actually, it was the Commissioner with another idiotic and baffling assignment.
  Max: Does it involve wanton destruction?
  Sam: We can only hope.
• [after a run-in with Conroy Bumpus and Lee-Harvey]
  
  Sam: Who was that?
  Max: I don't know, but if it weren't for the sheer carefree innocence of this carnival, I'd be breaking his kneecaps.
  Sam: You're a demonic little imp, Max.
• [at a phone booth]
  
  Sam: I don't have anyone to call.
  Max: Call me, call me!
  Sam: You'd have to get cellular.
  Max: I'm pixular! It's better than cellular!
  Sam: That was bad, Max. Really bad.
  Max: Hey, who cares? I'M CUTE!
• Sam: Hey, cut out the swearing! We're trying to appeal to kids!
  Psychic: Get bent!
• Sam: Percent sign, ampersand, dollar sign.
  Max: And colon, semicolon too!
  Psychic: What are you [bleep] ing doing?
  
  Sam: Swearing in longhand, asterisk-mouth.
• Sam: Your sadism is a credit to your profession.

The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police

• [Sam and Max adopt a baby alligator they found in a toilet]
  
  Max: I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.
• Max: Ow! I got a splinter!
  Sam: Leave it under your pillow and the Splinter Fairy might leave you a nice, shiny 2 X 4!
• Max: Our highly improbable plan worked, Sam.
• Max: Oh my god, Sam! These people have gills! It's hideous and who would do such a thing and how do we get some?
• Sam: So let me get this straight: we can breath here, then?
  Max: I guess those prissy, paranoid astronauts never had enough spine to try it.
  Sam: Ooh, I could never say that about an astronaut.

Season One

Culture Shock

• Sam: Do you have any... weasels on a stick?
  Bosco: Nope.
  
  Sam: Do you have any two-handed broadswords?
  Bosco: Nope.
  
  Sam: Do you have any vegetables in the shape of famous naturalists?
  Bosco: Nope.
  
  Sam: Do you have any candy-pink fatboys?
  Bosco: Nope.
  
  Sam: Do you have any exiled political dissidents?
  Bosco: Nope.
  
  Sam: Do you have any weapons of mass destruction?
  Bosco: Who's asking?
  
  Sam: Do you have any... hmm, I've run out of ideas.
  Max: Well, you could always just start over again.
• Sam: Well, considering you haven't even committed the crime we're accusing you of, we'll let you off with a warning.
• Max: If you were planning to bribe us, now would be the appropriate time.

Situation: Comedy

• -

The Mole, the Mob, and the Meatball

• -

Abe Lincoln Must Die!

• -

Reality 2.0

• -

Bright Side of the Moon

• -

Season Two

Ice Station Santa

• Sam: I don't know how to work it. Computers in hell all run Linux.

Moai Better Blues

• -

Night of the Raving Dead

• -

Chariot of the Dogs

• -

What's New, Beelzebub?

• -

Various

• [every time the phone rings]
  
  Sam & Max: I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
• Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.