Quotes

Stan

Stan: Guys, I can explain! I was lying to you!

Stan: [Talking to Roger] You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy

Stan: Why can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and let it go?

Stan: Hey,boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

Stan: [holding a baby] One of us pooped.

Stan: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts]
Stan: So look sharp!

Stan: Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.

Stan: Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?

Stan: Francine, this happens every time! First you pull out a gun and threaten to shoot me. Then I pull out *my* gun. Eventually, your arm gets tired, you leave, and we have passionate "nobody-got-shot" sex.

Stan: [to his wife] Potato salad. Not adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

Stan: They're like vampires... or the gays!

Steve

Steve: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!

Roger

Roger: God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

Roger: [the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger: 'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.

Roger: I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

Klaus

Klaus: [referring to Roger] I wish he'd get sick like ET.

Klaus: Now, straddle mein bowl!

Bullock

Bullock: Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally. I mean, really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.

Avery Bullock: [Avery is currently Riding on the back of Stan Smith like a horse] Woah, Nelly! Slow down, Smith!
[Stan stops]
Avery Bullock: Thanks for the ride, Smith. I owe you a sugar cube.

Stan & Francine

[At her new stripping job, Hayley's parents stay to watch]
Stan: Shake it but don't break it!
Francine: It took me nine months to make it!

Francine: Anything for me?
Stan: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Stan & Hayley

Hayley: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stan: You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stan: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
Stan: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan: And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
[pause]
Stan: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

Stan & Steve

Stan: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on al-Jazeera, just blink you location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately.
Steve: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too.
Stan: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Stan & Roger

Roger: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stan: Who?
Roger: The black guys that did this.

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out]
Roger: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stan: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

Stan: My butt is on the line!
Roger: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

Various

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger: Oh, Meg, honey...

Francine: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

[phone rings, Hayley answers]
Hayley: Hello?
Roger: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Hayley: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Roger: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

Stan: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stan: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stan: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stan: Henry, antidote.

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve: "Quivecs"? That's not a word.
Roger: It is on my planet!
Francine: Is it a proper noun?
[beat]
Roger: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

Dr. Heisler: [pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again.
Stan: [distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair?
[stabs Stan in the leg with a fork]
Stan: Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!
Dr. Heisler: It's the bullet that saved you.
Stan: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
Hayley: What?
Stan: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!